Final Destination 3: The Musical
by Belfagor
Summary: A songfic-musical based on Final Destination with spoofed songs from South Park, Sweeney Todd and more. Rated T for large use of F word. Finally Updated!
1. Deadly Town

**FINAL DESTINATION 3 – THE MUSICAL**

_DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY CHARACTERS, SONG OR IDEAS FROM ANY OF THOSE MOVIES._

_A musical based on Final Destination 3 with modified songs, a lot of them from "South Park – Bigger, Longer and Uncut" , "Sweeney Todd – The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" and "Nightmare Before Christmas". Warning: large use of F word._

* * *

Music – Mountain Town (South Park)

WENDY: _There's a bunch of corpses in the sky / And some bodies went falling by / Oh, the blood's shiny and red / On the road hot and black / Just another summer time in my quiet deadly town…_

_Wendy Christensen walks towards McKinley High School Summer Fair._

WENDY: _The sun is shining and the grass is green / Under the red rug of blood, I mean / This is the day when you cannot avoid Death / All the happy people stop to say hello / Even though the death toll's low / It's a perfect summer time in my quiet little deadly town…_

KEVIN: Good morning, Wendy.

WENDY: Kevin, would you like to ride the Devil's Flight?

KEVIN: The Devil's Flight?

WENDY: Yes. Ian says odds are 1 on 250 millions of dying on that rollercoaster.

KEVIN: Okay, let's go. (_Singing_) _Oh, what a perfect control freak / She'd blind you if she just had a beak / She likes to have visions and to thwart Death's designs / What a paranoid with a caring boyfriend / Who's also my best friend / Thank God we live in this quiet little redneck deadly town…_

_Kevin Fischer knocks at Jason Wise's door._

WENDY: Jason! Jason, wake up!

JASON: (_Opening the door_) What's new?

WENDY: We're going on Devil's Flight.

JASON: Cool! (_Singing_) _You can see dead people / Hanging in the air / You see desperate families / But you just don't care / There's a see of bones in which we'd be glad to drown…_

_A tall man with a black hood mumbles something incomprehensible._

JASON: That's right! (_Singing_) _It's summer time…_

CHORUS: _In our quiet little redneck white-bread deadly town…_

_They arrive at McKinley's house. Ian McKinley and his girlfriend Erin Ulmer are playing with two nailguns._

IAN: Ready, Erin? Shoot the pigeon!

_They shoot five pigeons._

WENDY: Ian, Erin, we're going on the rollercoaster.

ERIN: Oh, my God!

MRS. MCKINLEY: Ian, where are you going?

IAN: Eh… we're going playing beach-volley.

MRS. MCKINLEY: Then leave those nailguns at home.

IAN: Mom, they're Erin's birthday present for me.

MRS. MCKINLEY: Do as I say, Ian!

IAN: Ok, ok, I'm sorry.

ERIN: (_Singing_) _Look at this frail and fragile town / It really gets me down / The world is such a rotten place / An high school life's a complete disgrace / That's why we live in this redneck Republican white-bread deadly town…_

_Kevin hits her with a dead pigeon._

KEVIN: Hit the Goth!

IAN: The pigeon! Hit the pigeon!

_They knocks at Frankie Cheeks' door._

FRANKIE: (_Sit on the couch_) Lewis, somebody's at the door!

_Nobody moves._

FRANKIE: Lewis, somebody's at the door, I SAID!

LEWIS: I'm going, Frankie! (_The group enters in the room_) Hi, guys.

FRANKIE: What are you doing here? (_He sees the tickets for the Devil's Flight_) Eh? Cool! Fing cool! Shing cool! Yes! Yes!

CHORUS: _On the rollercoaster we shall go / Where we learn everything that we know / 'Cause the coasters teach us / What physics don't have time to say / And this ride is gonna make our lives complete / 'Cause being on Death's list is sweet…_

FRANKIE: Fing sweet.

CHORUS: _We're lucky to live in the…_

LEWIS: _Quiet_

FRANKIE: _Little_

JASON: _Redneck_

ERIN: _Podunk_

IAN: _White-dead_

KEVIN: _Republican_

WENDY: _Kick-ass!_

CHORUS: _U.S.A.!!_

WENDY: Ok, guys, let's go.


	2. A Lonely Goth at High School

_The guys are waiting for the ride. Suddenly, Kevin notices something about Wendy that Carrie doesn't like very much..._

Music – That's the girl that I like (South Park)

KEVIN: _That's the girl that I like…_

CARRIE: Kevin, would you mind to…

KEVIN: _Never seen before, but she gives me butterflies…_

CARRIE: Kevin, we're waiting for...

KEVIN: _It must be because she's a virgin final girl / I know I can be cool if I try._

CARRIE: You're holding up the line, YOU FUCKING JOCK!

_And then they hear Wendy screaming and crying._

JASON: Hey, Wendy, what's going on?

WENDY: We must stay away from that coaster! There's gonna be an accident! We're all gonna die! I saw it!

LEWIS: Please, some just shut that bitch up!

KEVIN: You're a really piece of shit, Lewis! Fuck you!

LEWIS: Fuck _moi_? No, fuck you!

_They start a fit that involves also Wendy, Jason, Erin and Ian._

IAN: You see? You made Erin's nose bleed, you fucking dumbass!

LEWIS: It wouldn't have changed very much. You are emos.

ERIN: We're GOTH!

LEWIS: Whatever.

_They all leave the roller coaster._

Music – A Lonely Jew on Christmas (South Park)

IAN: _It's hard to be a Goth at high school / My friends don't let me join at any group / And I can't sing in school rock bands / Or find glory on football field / Or present a science project 'cause there's something wrong with me / My people don't believe in life or beauty or joy or stuff / I'm a Goth / A lonely Goth / At high school..._

ERIN: _Maybe we're wrong, but are we so wrong? / 'Cause I don't thing the others were so right / And instead of list'ning pop I have to listen Manson's song / Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Do You Think I'm So Strong? / And what's the fucking deal with all the fucking jock, tell me please / I'm a Goth..._

IAN: _Two lonely Goths..._

ERIN: _We'd be merry..._

IAN:_ But we're rejects..._

BOTH:_ At high school..._

(A/N: Erin's song referes to "How Strong Do You Think I Am?", sung by Alexz Johnson.)

_Suddenly, they hear a crash: the falling coasters have crushed Jason and Carrie._

WENDY: Oh, my God! They killed Jason!

KEVIN: You bastard!

_The following day, at the last lesson of the year._

MR. EUGENE DIX: Let's start with a physics question. What's the constant in potential energy formula? Yes, Cheeks?

FRANKIE: Boltzmann's constant?

EUGENE: Nice shot, now I'd like an answer from a student with a structured brain. Come on, don't be shy.

IAN: I think I know the answer, Mr. Dix.

_Kevin mocks his voice._

IAN: Shut up, jock!

KEVIN: Hey, don't call me jock, you fucking Goth!

EUGENE: Kevin, did you just say the "F" word?

KEVIN: "Goth"?

IAN: No, he's talking about "fuck". You cannot say "fuck" in this fucking school, you fucking jock.

EUGENE: Ian!

WENDY: Why the fuck not?

EUGENE: Wendy!

ERIN: Wendy, you too said fuck!

EUGENE: Erin!

LEWIS: Fuck, fuck, fuck.

EUGENE: Lewis!

KEVIN: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Yesterday we must have said more than one million times "fuck" and...

EUGENE: How would you like to see the school therapist?

KEVIN: How would you like to ride my balls?

EUGENE: What did you say?

KEVIN: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was... (_With a megaphone_) HOW – WOULD – YOU – LIKE – TO – RIDE – MY – BALLS – MR. – DIX?

_Silence._

ERIN: Holy shit, dude.


	3. Look at me, I'm Wendy C

_Wendy, Ian, Erin, Kevin and Lewis are in the principal office. Surprise: the principal is Rory Peters from FD2._

RORY: I must say I'm very disappointed, guys. I've already called your families and…

IAN: (_Scared to death_) You called my parents?

RORY: Yes.

IAN: Oh, man…

LEWIS: (_Innocently_) Mr. Peters, can I ask a question?

RORY: Yes.

LEWIS: What's the fucking deal, you crappy addict?

ERIN: Yeah!

RORY: What? Where did you hear this abominable stuff?

_Right that moment, the parents enter. Ian becomes as pale as a phantom._

MRS. ROMERO: This is so out-of-character for you, Lewis?

MR. ULMER: What kind of word said my daughter, Mr Peters? The "S" word?

RORY: No, no, even worse.

ALL THE PARENTS: The "F" word?

MR. McKINLEY: Ian, where did you learn those horrible words?

IAN: We... we...

ERIN: We don't remember…

WENDY: Yes.

LEWIS: We really don't...

KEVIN: On the Devil's Flight.

ERIN: Asshole!

KEVIN: Screw it, I wanna go home!

MR. FISCHER:Kevin!

KEVIN: I can't help that, Dad. That fit warped my innocent mind.

_In the afternoon, at the canteen…_

KAT JENNINGS: Hi, girls.

WENDY, JULIE AND ERIN: Hi, Kat.

KAT: How do you do?

WENDY, JULIE AND ERIN: Bad.

KAT: Why?

ERIN: Our parents found out we were going to ride the Devil's Flight.

KAT: Oh, I'm sorry.

WENDY: When Ian's parents scolded him, they scared the shit out of him!

ERIN: Shut up, Wendy!

WENDY: No, no, I'd be scared to, but Ian is a faggot.

ERIN: Don't call him a faggot, you screwed psycho!

WENDY: Shut up, you angry Goth bitch!

_Meanwhile, Julie (Wendy's sibling) and her friends Amber Regan and Perry Malinowski, look at them._

JULIE: Bleah. That virgin makes me vomit...

Music – Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee (Grease)

JULIE: _Look at me, I'm Wendy C. / Clumsy Miss Verginity / Won't go to bed 'cause my boyfriend is dead / I can't, I'm Wendy C. / Watch it! / I do it for J. / I was grown on a righteous way / Won't leave my cross / Even Tom Dawkins's gross / It's hard for the Girl of the Day... / No binge drink._

AMBER AND PERRY: _Eww..._

JULIE: _No swear._

AMBER AND PERRY: Eww...

JULIE:_ I don't dye my hair._

AMBER AND PERRY: Eww...

JULIE: _I get ill if someone says "fuck". / Stay away, filthy boys / From my security doors / I'm not easy, as you've found out / As for you, Ryan Merriman / I know what's you purpose, man! / I've got your loss / But I won't give up to lust..._

ALL: _I'm just the boring Wendy C.!_

JULIE: (_With a picture of Michael Landes, aka Thomas Burke in FD2_) _Michael! Michael! Let me be! / Keep that uniform far from me! / And please keep you cool / God, you're starting to drool... / Hey! / No way! / I'm Wendy C.!_

(A/N: Tommy Dawkins is the jock next door in _Big Wolf on Campus_)


	4. Death's Revenge

_The next day, Ashley and Ashlyn __go into a tanning salon._

ASHLYN: (_Taking of her blouse_) I was wondering if with these bed you can also connect with your avatar.

ASHLEY: (_After a long, serious reflection_) Mhm, I don't think so. Who knows, however.

_Still thinking about this __great question, they get into the tanning beds. Meanwhile, in the Outer World, Destiny and Death are watching the two girls through a wide mirror. The Grim Reaper look a lot like Teysa from __**Ravnica: City of Guilds**__, while Destiny is portrayed by Kyle MacLachlan (with no particular reason, I find him creepy)._

DEATH: (_With a strong Hungarian accent_) Yes! Pull the string! Pull the string!!!

DESTINY: (_With a stronger Hungarian accent_) Their mistake is made! A new chain of events must be set.

DEATH: And I know how to do it…

**Music – Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)**

_Death and a group of __silver-plated skeletons and red female demons are sit on a curious group of coffins and tombstones, each one in an unnatural poses, apart from the Reaper, who is sitting on a throne of bones, listening to some music from his own Die-Pod. As the intro ends, Death presses the "Play" key on the pod and the music starts._

CHORUS: _Oooooh-oh-ooooh_

DEATH: _Caught in a Death's revenge_

CHORUS: _Oooooh-oh-ooooh_

DEATH: _Caught in a Death's revenge / Ri-ri-ri-ri-ri Reaper Re-Reaper / F.D. Uh la la / A new Death's revenge _(x2)

_The skeletons__ and the demons start to dance._

DEATH: _I want their their famine, I want their disease / I want to bring the saga to chapter three / I want their death…_

CHORUS:_ Death death death_

DEATH:_ I want their death_

_Meanwhile, a wooden shelf falls on the tanning beds, locking them._

DEATH: _I want their sorrow, the touch of my hand / I want their burnt-up faces straight in Hell / I want their death…_

CHORUS:_ Death death death_

DEATH:_ I want their death_

_Death gets __closer to Destiny, who is sit on the other side of the room._

DEATH: _You know that you want it / And you know that we need it / You need some deaths, a Death's revenge…_

_Yes, now there's that __weirdo dance._

CHORUS: _I want their terror and I want my revenge / You and me could write a Death's revenge / I want their downfall and that's my competence / You and me could write a Death's revenge_

DEATH: _Oooooh-oh-ooooh / Caught in a death revenge / Ri-ri-ri-ri-ri Reaper Re-Reaper / F.D. Uh la la / A new Death's revenge _(x2)

_Ashley and Ashlyn try to get out from the tanning beds._

DEATH: _I want their horror, I want their demise / Because they're criminals as long as they're alive / I want their death…_

CHORUS:_ Death death death_

DEATH:_ I want their death_

_Destiny seem__s to be interested._

DEATH: _I want their mourning, my terrible plane / To bring just everyone from cradle to grave / I want their death…_

CHORUS:_ Death death death_

DEATH:_ I want their death_

_Destiny takes a sip of vodka and __lets some trickles fall on the tanning beds._

DEATH: _You know that you want it / And you know that we need it / You need some deaths, a Death's revenge…_

_And, finally, the __tanning beds get engulfed by flames._

CHORUS: _I want their terror and I want my revenge / You and me could write a Death's revenge / I want their downfall and that's my competence / You and me could write a Death's revenge_

DEATH: _Oooooh-oh-ooooh / Caught in a death revenge_ (x2)

_The skeletons and the demons end their dance__ gathering around Death._

DEATH: _Ri-ri-ri-ri-ri Reaper Re-Reaper / F.D. Uh la la / A new Death's revenge_

_The fire__ is extinguished, leaving only two heaps of ash. Satisfied, Destiny watches the scene from the same mirror we've seen before._

DESTINY: (_Pronouncing "Beware" as "Bevare"_) Beware! Beware! Beware of the black grim reaper that sits on your doorsteps. It harvests high school kids, tourists in Paris and poor final girls. Beware. Take care. Beware…

_(A/N): Death and Destiny's speeches are inspired by Ed Wood's movie "**Glen or Glenda**". Man, how sick is this chapter?_


End file.
